Dazed in a stupor of confusion from conflicting feelings which will not settle in any one direction, bipolar and extreme, a sense of right and wrong, angst, relief and pain tugged her from different directions. She picked up her pen and wrote the words:
Dear Ambivalence,
I have prayed for a while now that I will never get to write these words and that even if I ever had to write them, they will not be in a letter addressed to you... but here am I, sitting here, traumatized by guilt, hurt, steeped in pain yet convinced that it is the right thing to do. I have not come to this place easily... ah the agony which has rocked the path... it is amazing how a conviction of right can feel so wrong. I have given this careful thought, wrestled with every word, rationalized every feeling, debated every justification, and I have come to the unavoidable conclusion that for your good and mine, we stand at a junction in our relationship which offers us the gift of a forked path that we must separately take or forever be miserable on a single path to life imprisonment plus hard labor.
You have no opinions, say neither yes nor no, you quibble, have no positions on issues, and are constantly shirking the tough questions. I have struggled to find your identity and while you come forth as a sweet human being with no objections and a flow designed to shadow me, I have often felt like I was spending time with myself. I feel like I interact with a clone of me, a robotic prototype of my mind. Your detachment from taking a stance voids your personality and denies me the chance of getting to know the real you. When the rubber meets the road, I want to minimize as much as humanly possible the embarrassment of meeting you for the first time after I say I do and then life happens and you finally show up.
For our good, for your good and mine, for the sake of a future we still have a chance to salvage before it is wrecked by blind loyalty to a commitment entered in error and without the benefit of reason which happened to be drowned in the pleasantries of sweet emotions at the time, I ask you to understand and join me in moving on, on separate paths. I have your back... always... thank you for everything we shared, everything we learned.
Wishing you everything good you can become and with one last kiss, albeit virtual, I seal this note.
Tremor.
Brussels © October 2014 afesehngwaHilary
